Friday, May 27, 2016

Is grieving a real feeling or machinising your brain to deal with losses is the way

How does one deal with incomprehensible losses. I couldn’t, and realized moving on is not an option. When I couldn't deal with it, I chose to shut it down. Not thinking about it, not talking about it, putting more things in your brain so that all the grieving takes a backseat. Thankfully it did, I chose to forget how my brother left us, I chose not to acknowledge the passing of the whole month of September every year, I chose to imagine that the wall in my home with his photo on is an empty wall, I chose to forget that he has even left us. It helped a lot. I couldn't have functioned without training my brain. It may seem a little extreme but no one can undo what has already happened and facing this fact that whatever you do he's not coming back was more than enough for me to deal with.

Today, my brother has found company up there. Chacha passed away this morning and in a way I feel happy for him. His soul is free now from the paralytic body that captured it for the past few years. It could be a co-incindence, but I always felt that after Avi’s demise he had lost the enthusiasm. He would go in my room where his picture is hung and keep looking at it for hours, sometimes talking to him too. His was a pure soul and I don't think he ever believed that his irritating nephew is not coming back.

Dealing with losses is complicated. It's not something you're used to of feeling. It's not something that will go away itself. In today's fast paced world, it's difficult to give yourself time to deal with something so huge. I became very good at concealing it so that I don’t have to talk about it or confront it. I didn’t understand how long I should be feeling all these things before I become normal. Turns out, it never happens. Losses are permanent, life goes on and accepting that is the only way out. I have been very lucky to have support of my friends and family throughout. Writing about it made things better. So many people, known-unknown reached out after reading my posts about my brother confirming it's something very normal that I'm going through.

Being the one with camera in the house has its downs too. "Send one good picture of chacha if you have", my mother texted me. Ofcourse I have pictures of everyone but I didn’t take them for this. When I got the news this morning that he passed away, I told myself no big deal it had to happen. It's actually good for him but then I started digging out photos from the folders I had dared not open since a long time, it all started to come to me, I'm going to lose everyone one by one. I hate it but it's going to happen. My family has never been the same since the cycle of losses started with my paternal uncle passing away in 2001 but with each loss we all have had, it has drawn us closer, filling in the gaps left by all who have gone. I just hope they all are in better and happier places.

Rest in peace Dr. Roshan Lal Military MBBS as he would fondly call himself. I hope you find Avi and Chhote Tayaji up there and have a ball :)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Oh well that was a 40th :)

When I am writing this, I have spent 18 hours non-stop shooting with mini breaks of 15 minutes for lunch and dinner respectively. Kanishka didn't even have a dinner break since she was dumping the cards, charging the batteries and all the boring stuff. Other two people including her are sleeping while we wait for our flight at Jaipur airport. I am too excited to sleep since I just realised it was our 40th wedding. 40 is no milestone, it has to be 25 or 50 or some other exciting number. But the bigger thing was that both of us didn't even realise when the 25th went by :D

I am so sure that we would not have noticed when 50th would have gone by unless it was my dropbox which got full and I saw our wedding salad folder has 34 folders and I still have to edit 5 more weddings and then this one that we shot yesterday and I am like we just shot our 40th. That is so many weddings in a year. Well, there are a lot more weddings that happen in our country. But a big thanks to all the couples who trusted us with their big day and their precious memories. To all the grooms who didnt know what they were suppose to do when camera was pointed at them but smile since their bride would want that. To all the parents of all the brides and grooms who after all their hesitations welcomed the young girls who didnt even surpass their standards of professional age. To all the vendors and event planners who recommended us. To all the people who wrote about us, printed about us, tweeted about us, shared about us, talked about us, supported us! Biggest hug to everyone.

I am so happy that the 40th was so exciting, with one of the most enthusiastic couples who were ready to do whatever you ask them to. Here is one from their save the date shoot which happens to be our first of the sorts. Their wedding has been too one of the exciting weddings that we have shot, will be on the blog shortly. There are so many things that are going to be up online in coming days, making up for a slow presence in the past. Things got really busy than we had anticipated but for the best! Stay tuned at

Once again, thanks a lot for being part of our journey :)

Monday, February 10, 2014

Genuine doctors? Bleh

Recently, a very close cousin of mine started feeling dizzy while sitting in the office. He thought he was looking at the same spot since a very long time, may be thats why. He looked somewhere else and now his vision was wavy. Suddenly, after a few seconds everything blacked out and he fainted. Someone from the office helped him regain conscious and he went home. Same thing followed the next day. And he went to see my uncle (my father's brother) who is a doctor. He ran a series of tests and checkups and they thought it must be due to stress. Again, for the third time he fainted. This was sort of alarming. My uncle checked his pulse and it was very low. They took him to a neuro guy who again ran a series of tests but everything was normal. He fainted again, now they took him to a cardiac guy who ran a day long test and told us that his pulse was fluctuating a lot and he needs to have a pacemaker immediately.

To give you a background, my cousin Gaurav who is 26 years old is my father's brother's son who left us a few years ago because of a major heart problem. My father's eldest brother who is the doctor has had his share of heart surgeries and other heart problems. My father suffers from a variety of problems like blood pressure, cholesterol and has been a patient of epilepsy in the past. My paternal grand dad and grand mom died much earlier because of heart problems so the family history is a pretty fucked up case.

So coming back to my topic, my father and my uncle showed him to a variety of doctors and everyone suggested to get a pacemaker asap. They decided to go to Delhi but then Gaurav's senior at his office who was also worried about his health told them not to. His mother recently got a pacemaker and from Ludhiana itself. His brothers were ready to hire a private helicopter and fly her to delhi for this surgery. The Delhi guy was charging them four to five times more for the same thing. He decided to get it done here and she is all fit and fine today. But still, Gaurav's mother and his sisters had their doubts which are very genuine to have. You really can't trust any doctor these days. What all of us believe is that my uncle died due to late diagnosis. He was admitted at DMC, a very very reputed college and hospital with a dedicated centre for treating cardiac diseases. They kept running a series of tests everyday. My cousins who were with him all the time say that they ran the same test everyday and his condition deteriorated  with each second.

Later on, after 10-15 days they showed his reports to my uncle's friend who specialises in cardiac. You won't believe what he said, he didn't even utter a single word about the pacemaker. His reaction was that Gaurav gyms a lot and that is what is stressing his body out. And he didn't gym for like 10 days, the fainting thing vanished. We were so surprised and shocked, what if we had given in and went for the pacemaker.

I have seen a very close friend's father leaving us when he was diagnosed with blood cancer at the very first stage. He could have lived with the cancer for at least 8-10 years. He could have seen her getting a job, getting married. He could have even seen his younger daughter get married. But he decided to get treated. On the fourth day of his chemo at the same hospital, he stopped responding to the treatment. What my friend says, that they didn't even check if his body was accepting chemo well or not. He was younger than my own father sans all the diseases.

I don't know if such people when they have seen their loved ones being literally snatched away like this will ever trust a doctor again.

I know the feeling of a loved one taken away. It is brutal and it kills you every time you think about the chain of events that lead to it. You know inside that the time wasn't right and they were very young but you could do very less or even nothing to avoid it. And that very thought just squeezes the last drop of blood out of your heart. You start wishing that only if they would have died in an accident or due to some fatalist disease which seems to be the only way to accept their departure.

I wish doctors get some sense in their minds so that no one ever has to go through it because you can't help but think of them every single day of your life.